LOOK UNDER YOUR CHRISTMAS TREES!

I love Oprah. I love her soooo much. Her “Favorite Things” episode was an annual favorite in our house. We would record it, on VHS or DVR, and watch it as a family as the audience would received the most ridiculously lavish items. WHO DOES NOT WANT A CASHMERE WASH CLOTH?!  Seriously.

giphy-1-oprah
LOOK UNDER YOUR CHAIRS, AMERICA! IT’S AWESOME SHIT!

Of course we would cry when we found out that the audience was full of teachers or veterans or maimed puppy dogs. It was all cashmere all the time. Kitchen Aid mixers. Philosophy products. And stupid expensive food. Like $140 for eight crab cakes. The intent was unquestionably great, even if it was an hour long commercial wrapped in schmaltz.

Oprah’s Favorite Things are now schilled through Amazon.com every holiday season. I was suckered into one of the items last year (a Corksicle – the lid came apart because apparently it is not dishwasher safe). Let’s peruse these items together and imagine the likelihood of Oprah using them, shall we? Five cashmere wash cloths means it is 100% likely while one cashmere wash cloth means it is 0% likely.

The 360 Cookware Kitchen Cutter: This is a tough one. I’m not sure if Oprah uses it, but I could envision her telling her chefs “A food processor is too pedestrian. For the same price, I want you to put the passion into it by hand-cranking those vegetable slices!” I’m giving it three cashmere wash cloths.

The Canary Flex HD Security Camera:  No fucking way does Oprah use a $200 security camera. Oprah’s security system is probably better than the Louvre and Ft. Knox combined. I’m guessing if there isn’t retinal scanning, triple-Stedman-Oprah-Gayle fingerprint verification, it’s not getting into Oprah’s security system. One cashmere wash cloth.

Kindle Oasis: NOPE. Even Oprah gets old. The Kindle Oasis is a pocket sized, which is no bueno for aging eyes. One cashmere wash cloth.

Rae Sweatshirt: A $112 French-terry and organic cotton sweatshirt is the quintessential Favorite Thing item. I would put the likelihood at five cashmere washcloths. As a matter of fact, I’m guessing she has one in every color.  In Oprah’s world, everyone would get a $112 sweatshirt.

oprah-sweatshirt
Ooh gurrl, that shit is soft. You’ll love it.

The Travel Organizer Pillow: No. Fucking. Way. Absolutely not. I’ve flown international first class a few times. It’s nice. Flat beds. Real pillows. Blankets. No need for a travel pillow. Now, I imagine that Oprah flies in her own private, tricked-out jet with a Duxiana mattress, 800 thread count cotton sheets and a cashmere comforter stuffed with organic, artisan plucked goose down. And for an organizer she has multiple humans. Oprah absolutely does not use this product. I give it ZERO cashmere wash cloths.

Custom Dog Blankets: $395 custom dog blanket? FIVE CASHMERE WASH CLOTHS! No explanation needed.

Holiday Cookie Collection: Oprah suggests that the three tins of cookies, which retail for $80, would be a great gift for a teacher. Every teacher I know would get arrested for corporal punishment if your child brought them $80 cookies. They would slap the giver upside their head. If you have $80 to spend on a teacher, get them a gift card. I give it 3 cashmere wash cloths. I’m guessing she had them once, as a gift, and then felt guilty. Maybe she keeps them in her freezer, like the rest of us keep Girl Scout cookies.

Poinsettia Flower Pot Cake: $165 dollars for a mother fucking cake. It’s not a wedding cake. It’s not a flower that could, potentially, live for years and years. It’s a flower pot cake. I’m guessing most of Oprah’s assistants will get this cake for Christmas and it will taste like tears of regret from not taking another job. Four cashmere wash cloths that Oprah has actually had this.

flower-pot
It’s completely edible! Be ready with milk because you guests will choke when they find out how much it costs.

 

And finally, the Southern Grit Trio: Two cashmere wash cloths. Oprah is a good southern girl. In order to keep up her brand identity, these $45 grits, hand milled in the Georgia mountains, are her “favorite”. But when she eats her secret grits, they are probably Quaker quick grits with hunks of velveeta cut into them (like everybody else!). We can all like hi-so fancy grits, but what everyone really wants at the end of the day are velveeta and bacon in their quick cooking grits.

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